By
Todd Sherron
The characters and I do mean “characters” in the conversation below are that of Redneck comedian Jeff Foxworthy and Monkfish his 300 mag.
Fox: Whada say -- monkfish?!?
Monkfish: I da think this could be the greatest day of my life. Fox: Why du tinkit so monkfish? Monkfish: Because 300 inches… Fox: 300 inches of what monkfish? Monkfish: 300 inches of monster south Texas white tail Perlitz antler on ground and hang’in. This could be the greatest day of my life … |
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Hey all ya’ll Copenhagen spitting, wood tropp’en, camouflage wearing, carbon blast’en, deer hunt’en redneck boys. Let me tell ya about a hunt’en trip this past December down at the Perlitz Ranch, that’s www.Perlitzranch.com fer ya internet rednecks and more than likely all of ya have seen their Monster Buck shows on cable TV. Well, juz so happens Jeff Foxworthy and his Georgia posse (i.e. No. 1 brother Big Country – Jay Foxworthy, long time best friend – Larry Burns, Larry’s No. 1 son - Brent Burns, All Star hardball pitching - Kevin Millwood, and the Carnage renegade – John Sweinhart, a.k.a. Swinny) rolled in on an old mule – they were after Boone and Crocket. Now that old mule was of a particular kind – a Lear on route from southern Georgia – juz goes to show ya rednecks make a liv ‘en too. Anyways, I was lucky enough to be apart of this hunting extravaganza in the guide capacity. That’s right, yup I got paid to scout and hunt monster south Texas Perlitz whitetail deer. Tough job, I know but somebody has to do it. One thing I learned from Monster Buck Jimmy Perlitz is that if ya want to grow ‘em -- ya gotta let ‘em grow ‘em. Some of ya already know all about the wonders of the Perlitz Ranch – Foxworthy and his friends discovered it about 5 years ago and has been a regular every since.
Well Fox and Monkfish had been hunting this ol’ mature loner deer “Big John Wayne” otherwise know juz known as Wayne. Did I mention this was a 5 day hunt – bout time day 3 came around thar had been no Wayne. But all the other hunters had shot out: No. 1 Brother Big Country Jay Foxworthy took a mainframe 9 with good length and posted 153 B&C, San Antonio day rid’en and Long time best friend Larry Burns harvested a tall heavy 8 and scored 149 B&C (it was one of my favorites), No. 1 son and young buck Brent Burns took a good mgt. 8 that went 143 B&C, Iceman Kevin Hardball Millwood bagged an impressive 11 point with 5 brows that scored 155 B&C and a trophy mainframe 10 which scored 153 B&C, and last but not least the Carnage renegade John Sweinhart shot an allusive wide and tall 8 that went 152 B&C. Yea, that’s right they were all hang’en…. Now, Fox had already taking the biggest management deer off the ranch – we called him “Slick” because he was a mainframe 8 without brows - heck, it was a trophy in my book. But, nevertheless, Foxworthy had seen Wayne and the hunt was on. Jimmy had told me once early during the week he had seen Wayne several times previous in the year but as the Fall rolled around less and less than before. Yup, he was a good’en all right and certainly worthy of the hunt. Well… ol’ Big Wayne kept Perlitz and Foxworthy fetch’en and catch’en for 3 long days and as the morning hunt came to an end -- thar was no Wayne and no luck…. Now, don’t be mistaking all were happy with the hunt. If there were any complaints at all, it was about Foxworthy’s flatulence problem – that man was rotten to the core for 4 long days; but nevertheless the Redneck comedian had game and was growing anxious. Fox wanted a shot.
After the morning hunt everybody pokes back to the ranch house – yawl would expect the lying to commence but honestly it really never stops. But, thar is no way to lie about yar morning hunt as yar video is watched and reviewed by all. If ya lucky, ule git the camouflage recliner. Talk about luxury……. Pertliz scouting tapes, spitting tobacco, and lounging in the camouflage recliner with the smells of Stuart Perlitz’s down home Texas cooking in the air. It’s redneck luxury – I do declare…. Yup and after getting a full belly of grub folks generally find their rack and power down for a siesta.
It was about this time I was out in the skinning shed when Jimmy walked by and asked me to ride with him. Boys – like I was telling my hunter from North Carolina, if Jimmy Perlitz asks ya to take a ride on the family ranch – ya take a ride on the ranch. Naturally, I replied, “Yup.”
Perlitz was on a mission focused and committed to action. He had not seen Wayne and was eager for Fox to get a shot. I’m not entirely sure when he put the plan together – but as soon as we hit the barn he was ripping pressed board for a road blind. I reckon it was about 18 inches tall and we used hinges to hold the two boards together. I think it was Dean Amsome of Houston, Texas the ranch taxidermist, who came up with the idea to staple palms leafs to the boards. Pertliz wanted a little cover -- somethang where Fox could make a belly sniper shot. Well we loaded up and stayed on the eastside. We made a right on Cometa Road and went down to the Five Points road. By this time Jimmy wasn’t saying much but I could hear the wheels on his smoke wagon spinning.
“I think it needs to be on the left side. Take these clippers and ya see that mesquite thar - it needs to go,” said Perlitz. We were thar about 20 minutes and covered that home made road blind with grass – it now looked like a big pile of grass and Fox had two good shots - one towards Five points and the other down Cometa Road. Jimmy told me a little more about Wayne. Evidently, the old buck had a pretty good range and always traveled alone. “Saw him last year in the fields by the farm,” Perlitz went on to say. By this time we were pulling up to the Farm Road - thar is a cattle guard yonder off to the left bout 30 yards down and on both sides thar is an embankment of sorts. Jimmy turned left which is north I believe and looked down the Farm Rd and said, “Someone could scout here and radio if they see Wayne.” We walked back to the truck and eased down the roadside away from the Farm. We trimmed a few branches and then Perlitz starts looking around. Here is where I came to understand his plan – “Fox and I will hunt the road blind. I’ll leave Deke (i.e. Deke Burt - Jimmy’s brother-in-law ) at the cattle guard to scout for Wayne. If he comes out down on the Farm road Fox could sneak up Cometa through the brush. If he could make it to about thar and crawl threw the grass yonder he could make a belly shot from here.” Let me side note juz for a second – ya need to understand South Texas got more 35 inches of rain in 40 days this year. In fact on one dove hunt; we had to use the John Deer to git hunters across the river. As you can imagine, the grass was tall, green and thick. As I was saying, Perlitz had found a right and tight place to make a shot down the Farm Road. “All we need now is juz something to rest on,” Jimmy said out loud. He started looking around and turns to a good size rock that was juz off the brush line abit. He picked it and set it juz outside the grass line – “clear shot,” said ol’ Rock Perlitz. Talk about a redneck plan -- now I was duly impressed.
Monster Buck Rock Perlitz then turned around and walked back down Cometa Road and did a lil’ test run. I watched him come up the brush line on Cometa to the grass line then, I’ll be --- Heck now, if he did’en jump down in the grass like a Springer on covey of bobwhite and crawled threw it until he got to the rock. The whole time I’m thinking…. “Looks like a REAL good place fer a rattler.” And, juz the night before Pete Perlitz and Marc Sherron, my brother, killed one that went 5 ft. 8 in. Believe it or not – I sold that skin to a redneck boy out of North Carolina for $200. I tried to tell ol’ Charlie that he was pay’en me too much – he would have no word of it - he was just that type – good as gold. Left me tell ya something else - everybody that knows Pete wants his job. Pete is Jimmy and Stuart’s uncle has been hunting on the Ranch for years and is now lucky enough to reside on the ranch full time. Brother Pete once told me that he did not leave the ranch for 7 months one go around – don’t know about ya’ll but that sounds like a great 7 months of redneck heaven too me.
Anyway, it had not taken us long to git ready for the evening hunt. I reckon it was a lil’ after 4:00 in the afternoon and we needed to get back to the ranch house. Perlitz fired up that Ford Diesel and we were gone. Wait juz a minute - he doglegged left and we are on our way to Five Points. Jimmy had seen a good buck cross there early. Maybe it was Wayne? Sure as the sun rises, thar was a buck runn’en a doe. It looked a lot like em – good 2’s 3’s and 4’s but we could not see any brows. I know ya think’en – Brows? That’s juz it…. Wayne had three brows that were about 6 inches long. We looked for a while but never did git a real good look. It did seem to bring a little hope to seeing the allusive buck.
We got back to the ranch house about 4:20 and then Jimmy circled the wagons and started sending out the smoke signals. “Fox and I are going to the Road blind on Cometa. Deke I want ya to go to the Cometa/Farm road cattle guard, Todd and Dean to the big tank. Pete, Larry, and Swinny can head over to the other side of the farm.
We loaded up the trucks and pulled out a lil’ after 4:30. In all my years of hunting, I can honestly say I have never been on a hunt with seven scouts. 10,000 acres is a whole lot of land – especially down in South Texas. It’s juz mean country. If it does not bite ya, it will poke ya or sting ya and it makes no difference who you are. So between all of us – we were hoping to see Wayne. We were in the high top Ford except for Fox, Monkfish, and Jimmy. They took Jimmy’s Ford truck. That way if we spotted ol’ Wayne we could radio em to vamanos! Pete stopped to let Deke out at the cattle guard. Then drove on to the Big Tank and let Dean and I off. It was not too long thar when Dean and I saw some good 130 and 140 class bucks. We had this one young buck who was trying to makes rounds – if ya know what I mean. But, juz was not quite thar yet fer the older mature buck kept him at a distance. I reckon it was bout that time when the radio squelched and Deke said, “Wayne is here.”
My radio was breaking up so I did not get a chance to hear much after that. Turns out Wayne had stepped out before Pete, Larry, and John could even get out of the Big Tank pasture. Deke had to stop em before they crossed the Farm/Cometa Road and to hear him talk about the whole communication spectacle is quite tale in and of itself. I juz remember something about the Carnage renegade waving back to him. Stay on track now – well, Deke raised Jimmy and Fox and Monkfish were in route to the Farm Road and the “rock” (yaw remember the one I was telling ya about Jimmy placing at the end of the grass line).
I reckon it was a good 2-minute drive up Cometa before Fox and Monkfish began the stalk. Fox told me he got out of the truck about ¼ mile down the road and then ran up the brush line until 100 hundred yards out. Then it was all about redneck stealth stalk mode. Now, ya need to understand something about Jeff. He is an avid outdoorsman and takes his hunting seriously. So seriously, he is the only man I know that takes time enough to camouflage his spittoon. Pertlitz had told Fox early that if he could make it to the grass he could get a shot and there would be a good size rock juz outside the grass line that he could rest on. As I said before – the grass was tall, thick and juz the place fer a damn ol’ diamondback. But nevertheless ol’ Fox was belly crawling threw the grass as a fearless man. No matter the rattlers he juz wanted a shot at the 3 browed Monster Buck we all called Wayne. I don’t remember quite how far Fox had to crawl threw that grass to get to the rock – far enough as I’m concerned. Ya see I got diamondback fear. Now Fox was smooth out of breath from running up the road, redneck stealth stalking, bird dogging threw the grass, and let’s not forget adrenaline rushing from the thought of Wanye in Monkfish’s cross hairs - Foxworthy told me he juz remembers making it threw the grass and wondering where the heck is this rock Pertliz is talking about. Sure as thar is a difference between Shineola and heifer dust – thar was the rock. Wayne was about 150 yards down the road. Quartering away to the left and looked as if he were going south in a hurry. In all but a second or less, Fox said, “ ay, Monkfish – it’s time too rock.” Well, ol’ Monkfish answered his redneck partner by singing something about being the greatest day of his life as the big buck buckled from the impact of the 300 mag.
I heard the shot over at the Big Tank followed by the squelching radio, “Wayne is dead.” Now I do not know about ya boys but that was the most coordinated redneck hunt I have ever been on in my life. One thing for sure, the extra effort paid off for the Redneck comedian -- Jeff Foxworthy had taken an incredible 3 brow 168 B&C Monster South Texas Perlitz whitetail buck. It was truly one of a kind and a good’en fer the wall.
Juz like any good country and western song thars got to be an ending to this har hunt’en story. It’s a good thang that hunt’en season anit that far off but the bad thang is that it’s 1 to nothing boys – hope to see ya’ll in December…
Don’t forget to look for Foxworthy’s new movie and/or catch him at: www.jefffoxworthy.com You can visit the Perlitz Ranch at: www.Perlitzranch.com Now be sure to stop by: www.i2-k.com And, if you are one of those lucky folks who are looking for prime property in the Texas Idyllic Hill Country check out: www.sherronproperties.com And, lastly if you are ever down in the Sunny Bay Area of Corpus Christi, Texas look up Dr. Robb Sherron and ask him about his Perlitz’s wall hanger. And as they say down south of the Rio Grande – adios, amigos….
Todd
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